Tonight at Nine - Fred Dagg Skits

Now you're gonna need an aerial, and it's not really very difficult to do— the stupidest person in the world could do it and I'll now attempt to prove that thesis...

– Fred Dagg demonstrates how to install a TV aerial to get the new second channel, in the fifth sketch

This method we're using here is not altogether successful. I have noticed for instance sometimes during the night these sheep are up 30 and 40 times to the water trough, down the hamburger bar in town, and one of them drove my tractor into the river the other night.

– Fred Dagg (John Clarke) on having mixed success with his alcoholic sheep programme, in the sixth sketch

Well if the weather's good, round about a quarter of an hour.

– Fred Dagg answers a question on how long it would take for his party to "demolish superannuation", in the 13th skit

you used to be able to get it, but the import licences have gone ... I believe the old sheila's got a bottle of it somewhere that she uses for weddings, but personally I haven't seen a lot of it around...

– Fred Dagg on the lack of joie de vivre in New Zealand, in the 12th skit

Well I'll answer that in two parts; "beauty" and "cracker".

– Fred Dagg answers a question about the wisdom of taking on more national debt, in the 18th skit

There's all sorts of ah — Japanese invasion on the West Coast, be very careful of that one...

– Fred Dagg takes on the role of TV weatherman, in the first sketch

This is a very difficult course to play, and I notice Fred did a 74 on hole two, which puts him up amongst the leaders with a chance.

– A South African golf expert (John Clarke) comments on Fred Dagg's golf form, in the eighth sketch

Clarke understood that New Zealand life was a crucible in which burnt both the sparks of rugby and the arts. Clarke brilliantly highlighted the two sides of this bung old coin of a country in his 1995 announcement of a World Cup All Blacks side comprised of artistic practitioners: "Props: K Hulme, West Coast; M Mahy, Canterbury. Hooker: J P Frame, Horowhenua."

– Writer Jose Barbosa on John Clarke's comic genius, The Spinoff, 10 April 2017

We're knee-deep in culture up my area...

– Fred Dagg refutes the idea that New Zealand is a cultural wilderness, in the 12th skit

Now we up in the country care very deeply about the weather, and we worry about it. I saw a bloke the other day, who was worrying. I said 'what are you worrying about?' and he said 'the weather'. So quite obviously the issue is a fairly important one...

– Fred Dagg is not impressed with newspaper coverage of the weather, in the third skit

Now another very important aspect of our work is phone-tapping, cause all sorts of communistic nonsense gets spoken over telephones...

– Fred Dagg demonstrates how the SIS tap suspect phones, in the 16th skit

...we only own approximately 98% of the hotels in New Zealand in what I believe is referred to as the present point in time.

– Fred Dagg brushes off claims that wealthy brewers are benefitting from rises in the price of beer (skit 15)

They get themselves into positions of power — they're practically running the place some of the time.

– Fred Dagg expresses concern about the growing numbers of elected MPs, in the eleventh skit

You can expect to be 60.

– Fred Dagg answers a reporter's question about what happens to a 55 year old in five years time under the Dagg Party's superannuation policy