The Life and Times of Te Tutu - Series One

We just took the piss out of the way the colonials were — you know, the way they worked their women. Terrible — you wouldn't marry a Pākehā!

– Pio Terei, in his ScreenTalk interview for NZ On Screen

Bloody Pākehās: it’s not even sunny.

– Te Tutu (Pio Terei) wonders why Sunday is called Sunday, in episode four

We made a huge mistake with Te Tutu ... It was okay for a Māori guy to get up and take the piss out of Māori, but when you're a clever smart-arse Māori guy taking the piss out of the English — uh oh.

– Poi Terei, in his ScreenTalk interview with NZ On Screen

Hine! Stop playing with that Pākehā!

– Te Tutu (Pio Terei) to his daughter Hine Toa (Rachel House), as she sizes up Major Herrick (Charles Mesure), in episode two

Do it the Ngāti Pati way and be home early: within the next couple of days!

– Te Tutu (Pio Terei) gives dating advice to Hine (Rachel House), in episode two

Every time we go to war, your grandmother dies: how many have you lost now? 12?

– Hine Toa (Rachel House) to Tu Meke (William Davis), as he tries to dodge conscription, in episode six

Mr Vole — your wife has the face of a kumara that's been left in the hāngī pit for three days ...

– Te Tutu (Pio Terei) tries to get a war going, in episode six

OK, I'll add a bit: no Australians!

– Te Tutu (Pio Terei) amends the Treaty of Waitangi, in episode seven

Just because you want to go off your diet doesn't mean everybody else wants to!

– Te Tutu (Pio Terei) cautions Tama (Dalvanius Prime) against eating the Pākehā, in episode one

A lot of people really loved it, a lot of people really hated it aye. But that's comedy.

– Poi Terei, in his ScreenTalk interview with NZ On Screen

If it's real estate you're after, have I got a deal for you.

– Te Tutu (Pio Terei) to Henry Vole (Jason Hoyte), at the end of episode one

I hate English food. They boil everything, including the bread!

– Te Tutu (Pio Terei) on why they should stick with cooking food in a hāngī, in episode three

Why are you fellas fighting over this little stone? Is it valuable?

– Te Tutu (Pio Terei) tries to understand what two goldminers are arguing about, in episode three

Tell them to bugger off. This is our land.

– Tama (Dalvanius Prime) on the newly arrived British settlers, in episode one

You touch my cock and you've got war!

– Henry Vole (Jason Hoyte) reacts to the loss of his rooster, in episode six

The best people money can buy!

– Herrick (Jonny Brugh) praises British magistrates, in episode seven

Bloody Pākehās: they've only been here five minutes, and already they want to steer the waka.

– Te Tutu (Pio Terei) reacts to the Treaty of Waitangi, in episode seven

There is one thing they really do respect: good clothes. The English will trust anybody whose jacket matches matches their pants. And apparently their god's the same, so somebody's going to have to go down and get us some really flash Påkehā clothes.

– Te Tutu (Pio Terei) describes the English, in episode four

I like your eye-level hāngī. Has anyone ever fallen into it?

– Te Tutu (Pio Terei) admires a Pākehā stove, in episode three

...I know most of you think that it's a lot of primitive superstition — especially the story about the fella living inside the whale — but kei te pai, they're our guests and I think we all should go.

– Te Tutu (Pio Terei) addresses his people on being invited to an Anglican church, in episode two

Well I'd just like to say I think it's bloody great the way you sambos have welcomed us here today . . . Now I suppose to your primitive minds, you probably look upon me as some kind of magnificent white god. And in a way I suppose I am. So behave yourselves, work hard, and we should have no problems.

– Henry Vole (Jason Hoyte), soon after arriving in Aotearoa from England, in episode one